October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Hello Familia! I haven't blogged in a while but am thinking it's time to start again. It's been a busy year!

I am drawn to sharing a piece of my testimony in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness month and for those women that might not be aware, as I was not. And especially because in my journey of healing I have been blessed to be held tightly together by my Jesus along with a few amazing people he's given me along the way. Thus, the reason I can sit here and write this.

There are many articles and explanations of domestic violence. It has different forms and affects people in different ways. Mine was in the form of a narcissistic relationship. With this, there are generally 4 areas to identify though you will find articles that explain the topic in more detail. I was naive enough to think that a narcissist was someone you'd hear about on Criminal Minds and those guys usually killed people. Little did I know that the kind I would encounter would be more dangerous.

Almost 3 years ago, I was in a relationship where although he was not "my type", I thought he was the best guy I'd ever dated. He did everything right, was helpful, had manners, was charming, opened doors and even listened intently! My kid liked him, so did my family and friends. After being romanced or rather love bombed (Stage 1) in the first year, he convinced me that we were soul mates to the extent that we attended a marriage class at my church. Soon after, the devaluation began (Stage 2).  He had basically taken everything he'd learned about me, my family, my friends and began using it against me. Twisting conversations, he was attempting to convince me the individuals I had known for more than half of my life were not trustworthy, all in an effort to isolate me. He tried with my siblings too but I stopped him there. Then he began to criticize my appearance, and if I made more attempts to wear something that would enhance my look, he began accusing me of either trying to impress someone else or flirting with someone in the room. If I went out with friends, the accusations began that I might be losing interest in him and wanting to go find someone else, or the blame was placed on the friend. To avoid arguments, I just stopped going out. Which was easy since I wasn't working and couldn't afford to anyway. At this point, we were already 1.5 years strong and heading into the 2nd year.

Soon began the discarding (Stage 3). This is when I started suspecting he was cheating and when confronted, he denied it and always seemed to have a fitting explanation even though my gut said otherwise. But I had no proof. He had also become so critical of me that it was like contempt, nothing I did was right even though it was the same things he loved during stage 1. Around this same time, his family member began to face challenges with an illness, so despite my intuition or potential evidence, the empath in me tried to be understanding and blamed his actions on his stress for his loved one's condition. I spent almost an entire year trying to break off the relationship while being told by a few friends with whom I shared that I'm always so hard on men so I should give him a chance. He even had my kid convinced that I was being too tough. Now I was stressed, beginning to gain weight after a few health challenges and surgeries, being unemployed over 2 years and depleting resources rapidly without opportunities in sight. But I stuck it out in an effort to prove that I could do "for better or worse", even though we had not gotten married. It was 2015.

On December 26^th, 2015, he had returned from spending Christmas with his sick relative. He sounded depressed and upset. So, I went to see him at his request. When I arrived, he had already had a few cocktails. Vodka tonic being favorite. After a few pleasantries, I gave him the few useful gifts I had purchased: a wireless keyboard, a car remote door opener so he could open the doors of his vehicle for his daughters to show them how they should be treated even though he didn't do it for me anymore, and a few other things. He opened them and thanked me. Then we began to discuss his relative’s illness, the progression, and I suggested it would be a good idea for him to get tested for diabetes which seemed to be the root cause of much of what had transpired. And that's when it started.

He flipped out. "Get the eff out of my house!" he said. "How dare you tell me I might be diabetic?!? You think you're so high and mighty! You don't know anything! Get out, you bitch!" And as I went to the room to gather my belongings, he decided I wasn't moving fast enough and attempted to help me along faster. He pushed me with what I believe was intended as an effort to be pushed through the doorway, however, he missed and instead I plowed face first into the wall. I'm not sure what hurt first... was it my teeth which were exposed as I screamed when I hit the wall, or was it when I hit the wall that my head flipped back violently, snapping my neck which already had its own share of troubles with herniated discs and stenosis. Or was it my wrist, which I'm not sure if it was injured as I tried to stop from hitting the wall or was it when I went down on the floor? As I laid on the ground, he stood above me, all 6 feet 5 inches of him as he screamed: "YOU DID THIS, YOU DID THIS!"

And I'm not sure if the shock of what had just happened or if it was the way my neck snapped but either way, I could not move. As he stood above me I suddenly thought "he could bury me in the backyard and no one would know, I didn't tell anyone I was coming over here". So, all I could do at that moment was scream "JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS JESUS" as loudly as I could. And it was as if he suddenly woke up. He reached his hand out to help me up and I was suddenly able to slide across the floor away from him and yell GET AWAY FROM ME, GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!! And I got out of there as fast as I could, drove myself home and cried myself to sleep, still in shock at all that had happened and embarrassed, so I could not call anyone either.

I did end up with a broken wrist that thankfully healed on its own within 2 months, but I still feel discomfort on occasion, like a reminder in case I thought it was just a nightmare. I also get reminders occasionally in my teeth. And my neck has it's bad and worse days. I lied to my friends and family, and I think even to the doctor who treated me. I was too embarrassed and ashamed. Things like this don't happen to women like me! How could this be?!?

Yes, it appeared I was still dating him for another few months after the incident. He wouldn't leave me alone. He lied to his daughters and his family, other parents in our shared sports arenas. He pushed me to attend his family function in another state even though I continually said no. Or was it that I still had the nerve to think I could change him? I didn't press charges because I just wanted him and all of it to go away. I was so ashamed... mortified really. I just wanted to get over it. I had survived a lot of experiences in my life and I knew I was strong enough to get past it if I could just get started on the process of moving on. I finally had the courage to threaten to tell my family and friends the truth and let him deal with the aftermath. And so finally, almost 3 months later, he told his daughters and family. And I finally began to tell mine. [BTW, he had already been dating his ex-girlfriend prior to me. Within a few weeks he started bringing her to tournaments we both attended for our kids.] BUT, I began my journey of healing in this recovery phase (Stage 4). I lost friendships and time as a result. I also lost courage, focus, strength, and most importantly, myself. I didn't even recognize the girl who looked back in the mirror. But, as I said earlier, God has blessed me immensely and I am stronger for it all. And that's a journey I will someday share because it is SO amazing how God's hand was in every bit of it! And as much as I would love to say that I lived happily ever after, it doesn't end here. This is not the final stage.

What's disturbing is that the narcissist always thinks he or she can come back for another round when THEY need a fix. The official term is "supply", which is when they get what they need out of a person and discard them after they are done. Sadly, he has been attempting to call and text me since January 2018. I've ignored his messages but saved details of it in the event I ever must prove his attempts.

Even more disturbing is that by Florida law, I've missed the opportunity after finally gaining a sense of self and courage to file charges against him because of a 2-year statute of limitations. Lord knows it took me that long to figure things out! Further complicated by the fact that if he ever shows up the most I can do is get him for trespassing IF it’s my own property and IF the cops see him. And so now that he decided to show up on my doorstep 3 weeks ago uninvited and unannounced, I have spent countless hours pulling together evidence of everything in hopes that a judge will grant me an injunction.

So, I’ve decided to start telling my story. In the meantime, I have cameras set up and am contemplating taking self-defense and concealed weapon classes. But this is not about me. I don’t want sympathy or pity. I know who my protector is, and HE IS MIGHTIER than anyone or anything. “My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth.” ~Psalm 121:2 [and Psalm 59:1, Psalm 138:7, Psalm 140:4, 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 2 Samuel 22:3-4 and….]

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Here's the real message I want to share:

I implore you to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read about Domestic Violence, learn the various symptoms, whether you are experiencing them yourself, or someone you love is acting differently. VERBAL ABUSE IS ALSO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE so don't think because there aren't any bruises that it isn't happening.

I’m not trying to say if I had understood it would have been any different for me BUT it helps to put it out there!!! TALK ABOUT IT!!! And if it happened to you, DON’T HIDE IT!!! It could be your mother, sister, aunt, cousin, daughter, friend, neighbor, coworker, student, etc. IT COULD BE a man too, it's not just women that experience this! You just never know. EXPOSE IT! 

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I am grateful to the people God placed in my life during this journey because without Him or them I don't know how I would have survived mentally. It is because I shared a request for prayer that I have made some deep relationships that have been part of my healing. And they know who they are… <3

And it is only in HIS glory that I can share this.

~Chick