Masses, Twelve, and Three...
A therapist once told me:
"Jesus preached to the masses, Jesus hung out with twelve, Jesus spent time with three". This made no sense to me personally at the moment she said it, even though it was logical when I considered Jesus' life. But over time, I have come to understand what she meant and have spent the last year applying it in a variety of ways. The second half of 2013 and the beginning 2014 (thus far) has been a time of learning yet again who I am. I guess I could also say that approaching, turning and experiencing 45 years of age has matured me in ways that help make sense of the 3 areas my therapist mentioned:
1. The Masses Era:
Life from 15 to 30 years old was more concerned with who/what/where/when/how. Who would become? What will I be doing? Where will I end up? When will this all happen? How can I achieve my goals/dreams? With a constant flow of people, whether one time encounters or periods of shared time, it appears the "masses" were a critical part of my early adult life. It is also where dating relationships occurred. With the exception of a handful of individuals, I probably don't know much about the people I met during this period of time anymore except perhaps through reconnecting via Facebook. Our contact is likely not regular or at a close level, but there are ties that bind us and we can often connect via clicking LIKE on something in which we both have a shared interest, or through an occasional Christmas card. Makes sense to meet so many when you're feeling your way through life trying to figure out who you are. However, unlike Jesus, I didn't know me, so I was the chameleon, transforming and testing out whoever I spent time with in an effort to try something new. I also certainly did not "preach" to them. At least not intentionally. For those I met and spent time with during this period, I completely appreciated our shared time and learned tremendously from you. And I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world...
2. The Twelve Era:
Life from 30 to 45 years old took on a whole new level. At 30 years old, I finally realized who I thought I wanted to be and moved to another state to separate from what I had known in an effort to grow and discover more of me. For the first time in 30 years, I had my own bedroom, my own space, paid my own bills (nothing shared), and was accountable to me. ME ME ME ME. Boy did God let me live it! It was during this short period that I traveled out of the United States, met SO many people, and saw many interesting life changing experiences. it was surreal! Life had begun for me at 30!
And I lived that life for approximately 7 months. Because when I was 30 years, 7 months, 11 days, 8 hours, 30 minutes old, my sister died. I don't dwell on that number regularly, but if a death certificate is that specific, why not be specific about the single second that altered your life forever? She left me the best gift I have ever received from a human to date...a beautiful 8 month old gorgeous girl. It was a bittersweet time for me. We spent the first 15 months of our new life together in an apartment where we learned about each other and learned to become a "family". So actually, masses became TWO before it became twelve, but it was necessary to be in a cocoon-like state. I had to protect her, nurture her, grow with her. And at the end of that season, we returned to an environment where we experience our new lives. This is when twelve became significant. I can't say for sure there were twelve specific individuals, but I do know that the people I spent time with during these days were instrumental in the life of this suddenly single parent. And it was certainly more limited to the masses I once experienced. The faces were regular and in fact, my now 15 year old still calls many of them Auntie, Uncle, cousins, Papa/Nana. [Note: This does not include dating relationships because although I dated, none became significant where my 15 year old remembers. However, it was during this era that I met and fell in love with Jesus, the best thing that ever happened to me. And THAT, she remembers.]
To those in the "twelve" era, thank you for being a part of our world. Words can never express our appreciation for the time shared. I pray that God's blessings upon you mirror the blessings you have bestowed upon us...
3. The Three Era:
At 45, I find myself unemployed, physically achy most of the time due to deteriorated neck and lower back vertebrae, and a ruptured ear drum that prevents me from doing only 2 things I absolutely love in life, dancing and singing. Oh sure, I still do those things, but in my shower and kitchen, not on a karaoke stage or at a dance club (too loud for me). But it also during these days that I find myself thinking more about relationships, the effects they have had on me over my lifetime thus far, and the fact that through it all, there really have been only three individuals that remained constant and true. This is not intended to discount the many other peoples that I am close to and share deep and personal experiences, including my sista-from-anotha-motha, my spiritual "momma", and my wonderful boyfriend...
But the truth remains there are 3 individuals that have been through it all with me. All of the relationships, the heartaches, the fears, the pains, the growing, the wins...the blood, sweat and tears. They've seen me at my best and worst. They encourage me. They love on me...UNCONDITIONALLY. No strings attached. No expectations. I GET IT NOW! Masses, twelve, three...Season, reason, lifetime. I at their death bed or they at mine. Life flashes includes them. WOW... I get it. It was three that prayed at the garden of Gethsemane with Jesus... it is three that have prayed for and cried with and for me. I can be me....WOW...
Who cares?
So my therapist said this to me because I was fretting over what people think of me and my ability to participate in most of what happens around me, rather than truly focusing on being myself and evolving. Why do any of us spend time worrying about how we are perceived or whether we are loved unconditionally? We are all striving to be better, to be liked, to be loved unconditionally. yet, we become self-centered and don't realize in the midst of our own struggles that many others in our lives have their own...lives, struggles, etc. We want to cut them off because they don't call us or respond to our expectations. We delete telephone numbers because that person "didn't call me for months" or "call me back". We resent not being invited to parties or events, and guilt when we are invited and can't attend.
When do we stop pushing our own expectations on others and realize that life is complicated for everyone and that the world is not centered around us? When do we stop accusing our teens of being part of an entitlement generation and realize that we are just as much responsible for feeling entitled? When do we stop to look at the blessings we "do" have in our lives and allow those to nurture us to being the best possible person we can be? When do we decide to serve others so that we can show our understanding for how complicated life on earth can be?
I LOVE the moments I have experienced with those I have seen lately for a "catch up" session. You recharge me, you remind me of where I came from and how I've evolved, and you inspire me. You let me brag about my child, and you let me give God the glory for all He has done in my life. You give me an opportunity to love on you uniquely and specifically. And though it may not be months or even years before we get together again, I appreciate all of you and the entire time we spend together. We may not call/text/email on a regular basis, but I do think of you and when I do, I pray for you.
And I look forward to meeting up with those of you that we have yet to schedule time, or that time is scheduled for this week and soon. In the meantime, if you need me, call me and I will come through for you sooner. I will cook for you. I will clean for you. I will walk your dog, pick your kid up, come spend time with you, love on you. Just call/text or message me and my calendar will be opened to coordinate a time to meet or chat. But don't be mad at me because it hasn't happened. And don't decide how you think we should meet or that you want to cut me out because I can't or am unable. I'm not doing it intentionally.
I promise, I won't do the same to you.
Gotta go for now, my 15 year old is due to arrive in 23 minutes.
God's Love and mine...
~Tam
"Jesus preached to the masses, Jesus hung out with twelve, Jesus spent time with three". This made no sense to me personally at the moment she said it, even though it was logical when I considered Jesus' life. But over time, I have come to understand what she meant and have spent the last year applying it in a variety of ways. The second half of 2013 and the beginning 2014 (thus far) has been a time of learning yet again who I am. I guess I could also say that approaching, turning and experiencing 45 years of age has matured me in ways that help make sense of the 3 areas my therapist mentioned:
1. The Masses Era:
Life from 15 to 30 years old was more concerned with who/what/where/when/how. Who would become? What will I be doing? Where will I end up? When will this all happen? How can I achieve my goals/dreams? With a constant flow of people, whether one time encounters or periods of shared time, it appears the "masses" were a critical part of my early adult life. It is also where dating relationships occurred. With the exception of a handful of individuals, I probably don't know much about the people I met during this period of time anymore except perhaps through reconnecting via Facebook. Our contact is likely not regular or at a close level, but there are ties that bind us and we can often connect via clicking LIKE on something in which we both have a shared interest, or through an occasional Christmas card. Makes sense to meet so many when you're feeling your way through life trying to figure out who you are. However, unlike Jesus, I didn't know me, so I was the chameleon, transforming and testing out whoever I spent time with in an effort to try something new. I also certainly did not "preach" to them. At least not intentionally. For those I met and spent time with during this period, I completely appreciated our shared time and learned tremendously from you. And I wouldn't trade that time for anything in the world...
2. The Twelve Era:
Life from 30 to 45 years old took on a whole new level. At 30 years old, I finally realized who I thought I wanted to be and moved to another state to separate from what I had known in an effort to grow and discover more of me. For the first time in 30 years, I had my own bedroom, my own space, paid my own bills (nothing shared), and was accountable to me. ME ME ME ME. Boy did God let me live it! It was during this short period that I traveled out of the United States, met SO many people, and saw many interesting life changing experiences. it was surreal! Life had begun for me at 30!
And I lived that life for approximately 7 months. Because when I was 30 years, 7 months, 11 days, 8 hours, 30 minutes old, my sister died. I don't dwell on that number regularly, but if a death certificate is that specific, why not be specific about the single second that altered your life forever? She left me the best gift I have ever received from a human to date...a beautiful 8 month old gorgeous girl. It was a bittersweet time for me. We spent the first 15 months of our new life together in an apartment where we learned about each other and learned to become a "family". So actually, masses became TWO before it became twelve, but it was necessary to be in a cocoon-like state. I had to protect her, nurture her, grow with her. And at the end of that season, we returned to an environment where we experience our new lives. This is when twelve became significant. I can't say for sure there were twelve specific individuals, but I do know that the people I spent time with during these days were instrumental in the life of this suddenly single parent. And it was certainly more limited to the masses I once experienced. The faces were regular and in fact, my now 15 year old still calls many of them Auntie, Uncle, cousins, Papa/Nana. [Note: This does not include dating relationships because although I dated, none became significant where my 15 year old remembers. However, it was during this era that I met and fell in love with Jesus, the best thing that ever happened to me. And THAT, she remembers.]
To those in the "twelve" era, thank you for being a part of our world. Words can never express our appreciation for the time shared. I pray that God's blessings upon you mirror the blessings you have bestowed upon us...
3. The Three Era:
At 45, I find myself unemployed, physically achy most of the time due to deteriorated neck and lower back vertebrae, and a ruptured ear drum that prevents me from doing only 2 things I absolutely love in life, dancing and singing. Oh sure, I still do those things, but in my shower and kitchen, not on a karaoke stage or at a dance club (too loud for me). But it also during these days that I find myself thinking more about relationships, the effects they have had on me over my lifetime thus far, and the fact that through it all, there really have been only three individuals that remained constant and true. This is not intended to discount the many other peoples that I am close to and share deep and personal experiences, including my sista-from-anotha-motha, my spiritual "momma", and my wonderful boyfriend...
But the truth remains there are 3 individuals that have been through it all with me. All of the relationships, the heartaches, the fears, the pains, the growing, the wins...the blood, sweat and tears. They've seen me at my best and worst. They encourage me. They love on me...UNCONDITIONALLY. No strings attached. No expectations. I GET IT NOW! Masses, twelve, three...Season, reason, lifetime. I at their death bed or they at mine. Life flashes includes them. WOW... I get it. It was three that prayed at the garden of Gethsemane with Jesus... it is three that have prayed for and cried with and for me. I can be me....WOW...
Who cares?
So my therapist said this to me because I was fretting over what people think of me and my ability to participate in most of what happens around me, rather than truly focusing on being myself and evolving. Why do any of us spend time worrying about how we are perceived or whether we are loved unconditionally? We are all striving to be better, to be liked, to be loved unconditionally. yet, we become self-centered and don't realize in the midst of our own struggles that many others in our lives have their own...lives, struggles, etc. We want to cut them off because they don't call us or respond to our expectations. We delete telephone numbers because that person "didn't call me for months" or "call me back". We resent not being invited to parties or events, and guilt when we are invited and can't attend.
When do we stop pushing our own expectations on others and realize that life is complicated for everyone and that the world is not centered around us? When do we stop accusing our teens of being part of an entitlement generation and realize that we are just as much responsible for feeling entitled? When do we stop to look at the blessings we "do" have in our lives and allow those to nurture us to being the best possible person we can be? When do we decide to serve others so that we can show our understanding for how complicated life on earth can be?
When we stop trying to please the masses and focus on with whom we hang and spend time.
I LOVE the moments I have experienced with those I have seen lately for a "catch up" session. You recharge me, you remind me of where I came from and how I've evolved, and you inspire me. You let me brag about my child, and you let me give God the glory for all He has done in my life. You give me an opportunity to love on you uniquely and specifically. And though it may not be months or even years before we get together again, I appreciate all of you and the entire time we spend together. We may not call/text/email on a regular basis, but I do think of you and when I do, I pray for you.
And I look forward to meeting up with those of you that we have yet to schedule time, or that time is scheduled for this week and soon. In the meantime, if you need me, call me and I will come through for you sooner. I will cook for you. I will clean for you. I will walk your dog, pick your kid up, come spend time with you, love on you. Just call/text or message me and my calendar will be opened to coordinate a time to meet or chat. But don't be mad at me because it hasn't happened. And don't decide how you think we should meet or that you want to cut me out because I can't or am unable. I'm not doing it intentionally.
I promise, I won't do the same to you.
Gotta go for now, my 15 year old is due to arrive in 23 minutes.
God's Love and mine...
~Tam
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