Just like that...
3-7-11 ...I just feel like I need rest. Some mental downtime. I don't want to worry about: Did Mea eat breakfast, make lunch, brush her teeth, take a shower, cleaned her room, walks to the bus stop alone, ... if my house needs some major repair I'm not aware of, car repairs, the lawn, ... will we have enough to eat, can I focus on my job, am I making myself ill with my bad, unhealthy habits, did the dog walk, will I get fired, how I am viewed at work, what does my manager think of me, do I really know what I'm doing at all? I just need a minute. Whatever minute God will give me. Not to think. I feel like I'm a terrible parent, slacking employee, inattentive and unappreciative homeowner, like nothing I do is right or good enough. If I could only...have time. Like start over, but only in how I approach things like: "Starting today, this is how things will be...." And no one will question my sanity, but instead encourage me to continue growing positively.
My journal entry last March was a desperate reflective moment where I felt like all my worlds were all crashing down. I was overwhelmed and, well...desperate...to the point of carrying all of my credit cards and my passport because one day I was going to run away (ask my family!). I needed something to happen quickly and my prayer was for God to help me find a "minute". And exactly 35 days later, God answered my prayer in a way that I NEVER imagined.
I was laid off from my job of 15+ years. Just like that. My position had been eliminated. I was to receive a severance. I no longer needed to worry about focusing at work, if I would get fired, how I was viewed and what my manager thought of me, and especially whether I knew what I was doing. Just like that, an unexplainable weight was lifted. The beginning of an interesting and much needed journey...
Just like that, mental downtime came in the form of: a personal trainer a few times a week (though you can't tell right now when you look at me...), visits to Wally World (Walmart) and Publix during the day (so THAT's what people do during the day!), a trip to Rome (awesomeness!), a road trip up the east coast following the directions of a GPS (is it Global or God's Positioning System??) and "wingin' it" while visiting with friends and family along the way, 2 spiritual renewal weekends, cleaning closets and the garage, going through old family photos, going through my sisters boxes (finally), breakfast or lunch with friends and family, eliminating things that tied me to a life that once was but no longer is, painting walls, finally putting up the shelves and pool sticks on a rack (all sitting in the garage for over 9 years), and watching seasons 1-5 of Criminal Minds on ION television. All commencing once I woke up and caught the daily Joyce Meyer's episode...
Just like that, I learned that about my kid all over again: that she likes having breakfast and lunch made for her (still), a snack waiting on the table for her after school is a great thing, being walked to and from the bus stop was ok (occasionally), coming home to a cleaned room was cool (instead of hearing me complaining about it being messy... I know, I know... I should have known this...I mean who wouldn't?), that she is ok experimenting with new foods if I explain "how" I cooked it, that she is a really good volleyball player when her head is in the game and feels encouraged, she can sleep almost everywhere (but prefers my bed), is really smart and funny, that she really does brush her teeth and showers (almost daily - LOL!). Oh yeah, she in turn, learned I'm pretty funny too (finally!). And I love her very very much and have discovered all over again that I like hanging out with her... (and I'm NOT a terrible parent - YAY me!!)
[Oh yeah, the dog is walked a lot more often that I thought. :)]
Just like that, I remembered again that I really do enjoy doing my lawn - most days, that the bills were always paid ... on time (as were tithes), somehow the house remained comfortable even when I turned off the air conditioner earlier in the season (like by September!), I noticed that we never lacked anything (though my kid would tell you otherwise...just ask her the last time I bought her potato chips...). That having enough to eat really IS like manna from heaven (ever checked out BOGO sales at Publix??). Oh yeah, that house and car repairs are forever... so why worry about them at all?
Just like that, I realized I was: making myself ill with my bad, unhealthy habits like stress and smoking, stressing over trivial things instead of focusing on important things, faced with deciding whether I identified myself with my house or my job - or if spending time with people is more important, trying to "own" things instead of acknowledging stewardship as God intended (thereby acknowledging that I may need to give something up at any given time), trying to keep up with the world by it's standards or concentrating on being myself and not worrying about the world, trying to make a difference in someone's life, determining if those I spend time with actually build me up or deplete me of much needed energy... But most importantly, needing to discover the trigger points in my life, the reasons for the causes, and learning how to work through them. [Did I tell you I have reached 50+ days not smoking??]
And Just like that, as I sat today at my desk, in my new 3 month contract assignment, at the company that announced my lay off 35 days after the journal entry above, I acknowledge that God DID in fact answer my prayer. He gave me a minute... time to start over... to learn a different approach... to walk into familiar scenarios knowing I do not have to respond the way I used to. That no one is questioning my sanity, and the encouragement I received (and continue to receive) allowed me to grow tremendously. I really never knew love like this before... Love of our Father in heaven, love of my friends and family, love of myself. The result is....I am a changed person...
In God's economy, a minute for me was 8 months and 5 days (or 249 days to be exact). :-) And now, a minute equals a 3 more months...
I don't know where the next 3 months will lead, but I know that in God's amazing love for me, it will lead into yet another leg of this fabulous journey. And since I have learned how to trust Him even more, I'm sure it will be just right...for me.
And just like that, my mantra becomes:
Starting today, this is how things will (always) be...
~Chick
My journal entry last March was a desperate reflective moment where I felt like all my worlds were all crashing down. I was overwhelmed and, well...desperate...to the point of carrying all of my credit cards and my passport because one day I was going to run away (ask my family!). I needed something to happen quickly and my prayer was for God to help me find a "minute". And exactly 35 days later, God answered my prayer in a way that I NEVER imagined.
I was laid off from my job of 15+ years. Just like that. My position had been eliminated. I was to receive a severance. I no longer needed to worry about focusing at work, if I would get fired, how I was viewed and what my manager thought of me, and especially whether I knew what I was doing. Just like that, an unexplainable weight was lifted. The beginning of an interesting and much needed journey...
Just like that, mental downtime came in the form of: a personal trainer a few times a week (though you can't tell right now when you look at me...), visits to Wally World (Walmart) and Publix during the day (so THAT's what people do during the day!), a trip to Rome (awesomeness!), a road trip up the east coast following the directions of a GPS (is it Global or God's Positioning System??) and "wingin' it" while visiting with friends and family along the way, 2 spiritual renewal weekends, cleaning closets and the garage, going through old family photos, going through my sisters boxes (finally), breakfast or lunch with friends and family, eliminating things that tied me to a life that once was but no longer is, painting walls, finally putting up the shelves and pool sticks on a rack (all sitting in the garage for over 9 years), and watching seasons 1-5 of Criminal Minds on ION television. All commencing once I woke up and caught the daily Joyce Meyer's episode...
Just like that, I learned that about my kid all over again: that she likes having breakfast and lunch made for her (still), a snack waiting on the table for her after school is a great thing, being walked to and from the bus stop was ok (occasionally), coming home to a cleaned room was cool (instead of hearing me complaining about it being messy... I know, I know... I should have known this...I mean who wouldn't?), that she is ok experimenting with new foods if I explain "how" I cooked it, that she is a really good volleyball player when her head is in the game and feels encouraged, she can sleep almost everywhere (but prefers my bed), is really smart and funny, that she really does brush her teeth and showers (almost daily - LOL!). Oh yeah, she in turn, learned I'm pretty funny too (finally!). And I love her very very much and have discovered all over again that I like hanging out with her... (and I'm NOT a terrible parent - YAY me!!)
[Oh yeah, the dog is walked a lot more often that I thought. :)]
Just like that, I remembered again that I really do enjoy doing my lawn - most days, that the bills were always paid ... on time (as were tithes), somehow the house remained comfortable even when I turned off the air conditioner earlier in the season (like by September!), I noticed that we never lacked anything (though my kid would tell you otherwise...just ask her the last time I bought her potato chips...). That having enough to eat really IS like manna from heaven (ever checked out BOGO sales at Publix??). Oh yeah, that house and car repairs are forever... so why worry about them at all?
Just like that, I realized I was: making myself ill with my bad, unhealthy habits like stress and smoking, stressing over trivial things instead of focusing on important things, faced with deciding whether I identified myself with my house or my job - or if spending time with people is more important, trying to "own" things instead of acknowledging stewardship as God intended (thereby acknowledging that I may need to give something up at any given time), trying to keep up with the world by it's standards or concentrating on being myself and not worrying about the world, trying to make a difference in someone's life, determining if those I spend time with actually build me up or deplete me of much needed energy... But most importantly, needing to discover the trigger points in my life, the reasons for the causes, and learning how to work through them. [Did I tell you I have reached 50+ days not smoking??]
And Just like that, as I sat today at my desk, in my new 3 month contract assignment, at the company that announced my lay off 35 days after the journal entry above, I acknowledge that God DID in fact answer my prayer. He gave me a minute... time to start over... to learn a different approach... to walk into familiar scenarios knowing I do not have to respond the way I used to. That no one is questioning my sanity, and the encouragement I received (and continue to receive) allowed me to grow tremendously. I really never knew love like this before... Love of our Father in heaven, love of my friends and family, love of myself. The result is....I am a changed person...
In God's economy, a minute for me was 8 months and 5 days (or 249 days to be exact). :-) And now, a minute equals a 3 more months...
I don't know where the next 3 months will lead, but I know that in God's amazing love for me, it will lead into yet another leg of this fabulous journey. And since I have learned how to trust Him even more, I'm sure it will be just right...for me.
And just like that, my mantra becomes:
Starting today, this is how things will (always) be...
~Chick
This post is absolutely inspriational! Thanks for sharing.
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ReplyDeleteWow, this is such an inspiration. I truly admire you for your continous faith and trust in Jesus. So blessed to learn from you. Thank you my Sistah!!
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