One thing remains...

I've been struggling with the word TRUST lately. It's the difficult and dirty 5-letter word that is easily shattered by humanity on an almost daily basis... Only, most times, it's our own beliefs and desires, and not a true and fair allowance of what someone is willing and able to offer. WE set expectations to be a certain way and when the end result is not what we conjured up, we are deflated... let down... disappointed... and sometimes... as I said... Shattered. Those pesky, "imagined promises"...

So I look up the definition of trust:

Noun - Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
Verb - Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.
 
But it's when I read the synonyms that I realize how far from understanding trust I really am:
noun - confidence - faith - credit - reliance - belief
verb - believe - confide - rely - credit - hope - entrust

WHO can possibly build up my confidence? Whom can I place faith and hope in? Whom can I believe...confide my deepest thoughts and emotions, give credit to all that has happened in my life, rely on, believe in, be strengthened by and truly entrust [putting my life into someone's care or protection]?  That’s like ALL of me…are you crazy?!?!

And anxiety enters like a fierce monsoon….

Since February, I've had a few emotional [and heart breaking] experiences great enough to make me question all these things and more. I’ve kinda been like Sheryl Crow… swimming in the sea of anarchy (you know… the proverbial state of disorder due to absence of authority outside of myself?), wondering why I feel so all alone and why I'm a stranger in my own life? Everyday really is a winding road…and I get closer to feeling fine… yet never quite being fine. Authority? I am my own authority? I run this show! And then as I’m about to hit the emotional floor on my own recognizance…

….my dad’s words resonate:  “They’re just mere mortals”. Oh yeah…that’s right. Humans!! Not super heroes. Oh wait, I’m one of those too….We’re not able to leap tall [emotions] in a single experience. We can’t become invisible or fly in the invisible plane if we choose not to handle being part of humanity. [So I shouldn’t carry my passport in case I suddenly drive myself to the airport for a one way ticket out of the country to escape (or be invisible)]?

 

And I shouldn't depend on other broken humans to fulfill all those things I mentioned a few paragraphs ago? OH!!!! Then, what was I thinking?!?!

Wait…I wasn’t thinking…or listening, because if I was, I’d remember and know. Know what?, you ask? I’m SO glad you did…

“Remember me?” Says HE. “You know, your Father in heaven? The same yesterday, today, and forever? The Alpha and Omega? Peacemaker? Friend? The one who loves you in spite of yourself?”

God!!!! Why have I spent the last quarter of my life learning you and knowing you only to forget to come to you first when challenges arise?!?! So I pray and am reminded:

      “In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:6)

      “God is not a God of confusion, but of peace.” (1 Cor 14:33)

AND (my [memorized] life scripture which I totally forgot recently)…
       ”DO NOT CONFORM to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the
        renewing of your mind…THEN you will be able to test and approve what God's will is
        --his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2)

HIS will for me. Not my will. Not my desire. Not my expectations. Not what’s been said to me. Not promises made by “mere mortals”.

So why do we forget? Because when we live in the flesh, it’s inevitable. Like Paul says: “…Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.” (Romans 7:14-6 MSG)

I can't trust myself either!!!! This is an internal battle. And a battle against the spiritual realms, not just against flesh. As Ephesians 6 reminds us: “This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.”

For keeps? Life or Death? So it’s NOT a fight against humanity, nor with those that “hurt me”. It’s not against death, disagreements that end friendships, or any other heart breaking experiences. [I almost get the phrase "the devil made me do it".] But Lord, how do I trust when I feel so disillusioned?!? When I’m anxious? When I'm afraid? When I have no clarity...or peace?

And the song crooning in the background reminds me…"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me… Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me… Your love….”

Ah yes… One thing remains… and that’s you God. And of all days…today’s Jesus Calling devotional concludes the lesson in trust…

 

May 7 IF YOU LEARN TO TRUST ME—really trust Me—with your whole being, then nothing can separate you from My Peace. Everything you endure can be put to good use by allowing it to train you in trusting Me. This is how you foil the works of evil, growing in grace through the very adversity that was meant to harm you. Joseph was a prime example of this divine reversal, declaring to his brothers: “You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.”

 

Do not fear what this day, or any day, may bring your way. Concentrate on trusting Me and on doing what needs to be done. Relax in My sovereignty, remembering that I go before you, as well as with you, into each day. Fear no evil, for I can bring good out of every situation you will ever encounter.

 

But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. GENESIS 50 : 20 (NKJV)

 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. PSALM 23 : 4

 

Young, Sarah (2004-10-12). Jesus Calling: Seeking Peace in His Presence (p. 134). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.

And so… I continue my daily quest for renewal and healing in the spirit and pray the Holy Spirit takes over as I attempt to learn His fruit (Galatians 5:22-23)… because it has become (blatantly) obvious that God’s commands are extremely necessary in my life. It’s true what pastor Joel said this past weekend…” Sometimes the gifts you get are better than the ones you want." And for that, I thank you Lord. Because you know me so well...and love me for it...anyway. I trust You....

His Princess.

Your Sista Chick.
~T