Bittersweet

Yesterday was bittersweet.
• The day started with a spontaneous breakfast visit from someone who adds joy to my life. It was much better than cleaning my house and car, which is what I was going to do.
• Attended a memorial for someone who brought joy to so many people, yet, he couldn’t find joy in his mind enough to want to live.
• Reconnected with many people from bittersweet but mostly joyous times of my life.
• Got a text from a dear friend [who has already had health issues of her own], she was at the hospital for her 2-year-old baby who experienced an asthma attack.
• Sat with an old friend and shared a conversation that helped further set my perspective.
• Found a nail in my tire that though cost me money to replace, got me to Bible study last night AND a sub assignment today.
• Participated in a Bible study last night on the topic of joy. Defiant Joy to be exact. And those women brought me joy.

This was all in the last 30+ hours.

Defining “Defiant Joy” is a very interesting exercise. It implies rebellion, boldness, refusal to obey. However, it is with good reason. To be joyful. Blissful. Evoking an emotion that sadly does not seem to emanate from within. Being “in and of this world” doesn’t help. There are too many standards. Too many rules. Too much comparison over the wrong things.
Yesterday we memorialized a God-fearing, loving man that despite accomplishing what the world considers successful – a great career, beautiful family, wonderful experiences, etc., decided that he could not find joy, so he ended his life. Meanwhile, from the outside, his life looked amazing. It just doesn’t make sense…

Often, I see postings to “repost this because” it shows you care about Depression or Mental Health. But as I’ve read on some websites, the people that need it the most are likely not browsing social media. In fact, they might not be on social media at all. Like our dear fallen comrade. In fact:
- they might be sitting at home wondering why no one has called them or invited them over.
- they might have tried to reach out in other ways, but everyone asked was too busy to help, or something better came along so they just didn’t show up.
- they might just need to hear from someone…anyone that they are important and that they are special just as they are. That the world has it all wrong and we should compare ourselves to anyone. And maybe they don’t need to hear it from the people that tell them that all the time.

Maybe… Just maybe…

It needs to be from YOU (and ME).

Who can you (or I) reach out to today and help fight demons?

Now THAT sounds like a good start Defiant Joy. But…It’s not normal. Worldly. “I’m busy [fill in the blank]” That’s what I hear a lot. That’s what I’ve said a lot. That’s our excuse.
Sorry I didn’t call you back. Sorry I didn’t respond. Sorry, it’s been a hectic week. I’m just as guilty.

Or my favorite…. YES, let’s make plans to meet up! Yes, let’s have lunch! Or let’s do something.
But it never happens. And the person waiting? They might really need to hear from you.

The lyrics that resonate are The Fray’s… “Where did I go wrong…?”

I thought I was a good friend/sister/daughter/mother/etc.

So why doesn’t any of it make sense? I struggle to find a job. I struggle with being alone and still recovering from the battle scars. Ah yes, we tend to lick our wounds ON OUR OWN. And maybe I don’t want you to know. So I have a pity party you don’t know about. And yet, when I consider my comrade, it hits me that my challenges are nothing in comparison with what his family now has to endure. A bigger struggle. How to live life without him.

Why do we wait until something like this puts life into perspective in our own lives?

I’ve been trying to defy the norm by filling in blanks for the needs I see around me. But I will admit, I feel overwhelmed. At times defeated. Definitely deflated, especially when I’m shot down. But I'm willing to try anyway.

Are you willing to defy the norm? Because maybe, just maybe, we actually do know ‘how to save a life’…
<3
~Chick